alone

I’m alone in my apartment again.

After J left last Saturday, I flew back to NJ to spend a few short days with my family. I returned to Omaha Tuesday night with my grandmother, who stayed with me until this morning. My grandma has been all over the world but never to Nebraska; she came to see the city and keep me company. But now she’s back in NY, and the apartment is quiet again.

I spent the day curled up on the couch falling in and out of sleep. It was a beautiful summer day and I could have relaxed poolside, but I choose to make like a hermit and stay indoors. I didn’t want to cry in public. I think I needed the day to rest; I haven’t felt like myself since Thursday night. I’ve been throwing up and feeling lethargic. I’m not sure if I caught some sort of virus or if I’m just depressed.

I heard from J Tuesday morning but not again until yesterday, Saturday. Every time he calls, I cry. How am I going to make it until August like this?

I had a really long conversation with Jess tonight and she reinforced how important it is that I have some sort of schedule. Since I’m not working, it’d be too easy to sit on the couch and watch TV all day. Instead, I have to get myself to the gym, read my business books, consider taking some sort of class, make plans with friends. She invited me to join her at the Renegade Craft Fair in SF this July, and if I can find some decent airfare, I’m totally there. I need things like that to look forward to this summer, like my sister’s visit in July and my mom’s in August.

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