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guilt + frustration = bad day

A week into J’s deployment, and I suffered through another emotionally exhausting day. I had the opportunity to speak to him on the phone twice today, and both times I cried for the majority of the conversation. I’m just feeling overwhelmed by all of the home improvement projects we are planning — especially by the cost of the work that needs to be done. I’ve also taken on some personal projects that are forcing me to make decisions quickly, something I struggle to do normally but that becomes even more challenging without the direct support of my hubby.

None of things that are causing me stress are necessarily BAD things; on the contrary, they are all positive changes we are making to our house and to our lives. It’s just that I feel like the time, the money and the energy required to complete them all is weighing on me and me alone, and I really wish J were here to share the burden.

I must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning because I’ve been in a foul mood all day. I tried to snap myself out of it both times while we were talking over the phone, but I was just in too deep. I know that he understands how hard it is for me to simply “cheer up!” when I’m feeling sad or frustrated, but I still feel guilty for moping during our conversation. There isn’t much he can do to cheer me up from all the way over there and he knows that, which makes listening to me cry that much harder for him.

Ugg, so now I feel guilty on top of already feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. What I need is a good night’s sleep in a freshly made bed and to wake up to a brand new tomorrow.

Thanks for listening.

(image souce)

PJ 14 April 2009 being domestic, military wife 6 Comments

through the kitchen window

Saturday morning my friend Jamie and her dog Lola drove me and Briscoe to the dog park for some play time. Sunny and warm, it was the perfect weather to spend a little time out of doors. The perpetual worrier that I am, I was relieved that everything went smoothly at the dog park–Briscoe didn’t escape, run away or pick a fight with a malicious dog. Yes, everything went well… until we returned home. That’s when I realized that I had locked us out of the house.

Since we hadn’t driven, I didn’t bring my keys, and I had forgotten to unlock the door in the kitchen that leads into the garage. My first instinct was to call Jamie to see if I had ever given her a key to my house. The answer–no. Then I called an Air Force buddy of J’s, the one who helped me out immensely while J was deployed over the winter, to see if I had given him a copy of my key. Nope. However, he volunteered to come over to help figure out what to do. I assumed I’d have to pay a locksmith to let me back into my own house.

When JD arrived, I remembered that I had left the window over the kitchen sink unlocked, as I had it opened the day before. Jokingly I suggested we climb through the window to unlock the door. Surprisingly, JD thought it was worth a try and, using a small ladder from my garage (we have a touch pad that allows us to open the garage door from the outside), climbed up to the window, removed the screen, and hoisted himself through it. If only I had my camera to capture the moment his feet were dangling out of the window!

So by breaking into my house, JD saved me the hassle (and money) of having to call a locksmith, and I learned a very important lesson: make sure somebody has a copy of my house key. You should do the same.

(image source)

PJ 13 April 2009 being domestic, military wife, my dog 3 Comments

wake-up call

This morning I received a wonderful wake-up call from my husband… at 4 AM. Needless to say, he got the time difference mixed up… Oh, challenges of being on the other side of the world.

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PJ 9 April 2009 being domestic, military wife 3 Comments

emotional exhaustion

I didn’t realize how emotionally exhausted I was yesterday until about an hour before I was supposed to meet friends to see Sunshine Cleaning. Being so tired, I decided it was best to reschedule our plans for another night. I’m glad I did because thetiniestspark told me via Twitter that while the movie was great, it was very emotional — and I probably wouldn’t have been strong enough to get through an emotional film yesterday.

For the most part, the day felt completely normal. As usual, I sat on the couch in the living room with my laptop, the TV set to NBC and the dog lounging at the front door. It wasn’t until late afternoon that I started feeling anxious for my husband. Realizing that we wouldn’t be making dinner and watching Dancing with the Stars: The Results together created a pit of sadness in my stomach. Then I worried, “What on Earth am I going to make myself for dinner? Cereal?”

J, hurry home. My diet {and my heart} suffers when you’re not here.

(image source)

PJ 8 April 2009 being domestic, extracurricular activities, military wife , 3 Comments

another deployment, another goodbye

I just returned home from dropping J off at base. Within the hour he’ll be heading out on his next deployment. Even though he’ll only be gone for 30 days, knowing that didn’t make saying goodbye any easier. The experience felt exactly the same as it did the last two times he deployed, when he was away for 60+ days each.

I know this deployment will be different, though. Not only will we be apart for a shorter amount of time, but it’s Spring in Omaha! It was Winter when he was last gone, and the cold days and dark afternoons made me feel even more lonely. The weather definitely kept me in the house. I know that the change in season will have a postive effect on my mood.

Also, I’m now working part time at Trocadero in the Old Market. During his last deployment I spent nearly every day home alone attempting to be a freelance writer. I was a hermit. This time, though, I’ll be surrounded by extremely fun, social people a couple of days a week with whom I’ll be able to grab a drink or dinner after work.

The key, I’ve learned, is to keep busy. To fill my calendar with events to look forward to attending, including trips to the movies, afternoons at the dog park, training appointments at the gym and dinner dates with friends. I also imagine I’ll be posting more frequently as I’ll have more time on my hands. Lucky you!

Sadly, I also had to say au revoir to my (well, technically “our”) Canon Rebel XTi. I let J take it with him because he’ll be in a place where he can probably do some sightseeing. I’ve gotten used to practicing my photography every day and proudly posting my pictures on the blog. I still have my point-and-shoot Sony, so the blog won’t be totaly absent of personal photography, but it won’t be the same — for me, that is.

For those of you who have offered words of support on Twitter or in person, thank you again. I honestly will not get through this next month without you.

And for those of you whose loved ones are on longer deployments, please know that my thoughts are with you.

(image source)

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PJ 7 April 2009 being domestic, military wife 7 Comments
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