i’m really a bride?

I have a big wedding-related weekend ahead of me, and I must be nervous because I’ve bitten down nine out of 10 fingernails in less than 36 hours.

Thursday afternoon J and I are flying East.

Friday morning we’re going to apply for our marriage license. Then I’m off with my mom for my first dress fitting and second hair trial. J and I will meet up again, this time with both of my parents, in the early evening for our menu and cake tasting. J’s been talking about having a cake tasting since the day after we got engaged, and I’m glad we were able to coordinate it so that he could be there.

Saturday is my bridal shower. I don’t know anything about it except that it’s taking place at noon. I don’t know who is going to show up, and I don’t know what we’re going to do. How do you plan what to wear when you don’t know what you’re doing? The fact that in four days I’m going to be surrounded by family and friends to celebrate my upcoming nuptials is so surreal. I’m actually quite introverted, and I can’t imagine what it’s going to feel like being the center of attention for two or three hours. Will I be hyper-aware of what’s going on around me, or will I be able to relax and truly enjoy the moment?

On Sunday J and I are taking engagements photos with our amazing wedding photographer. The when and where of the photo shoot has yet to be determine, so naturally I’m a bit stressed. I’m also preoccupied with what we’re both going to wear. The perfectionist in me is searching for that one, make that two perfect outfits, and naturally I’m hating everything in my closet at the moment. Our photographer said that some couples like to change from a casual outfit to something more trendy or fancy. I must have looked at every dress on Nordstrom.com and Bluefly.com at least three times and still haven’t found anything that seems right for the occasion (for the right price).

To recap, I have no nails, no idea what I’m going to wear to this weekend and no clue how I’m going to get through the next two months without having a complete breakdown. I don’t have cold feet; I’m just overwhelmed by how real all of this is now. I don’t feel like one, but I really am a bride. Holy, holy shit.